Top Ten Reasons Why SOME Cardinals Fans Are The Worst

Notice I said some, not all.

You know Dodger fans aren’t perfect. We never claim to be. We have our issues. There have been some bumps in the road. Occasionally we boo when we shouldn’t. We get stuck in traffic, and sometimes we drink to much. We have our own demons in our closet. We’ve made our fair share of mistakes over the years. But we are passionate, loyal, and love our Dodgers no matter how they play every season. We don’t think we’re better than anyone. We just hope that our Dodgers are better than every other team each season. But SOME of the Cardinal fans are just the worst. The rest of Baseball is getting fed up with their act as well.

Our esteemed friend Daniel shoptaw is the exception to the rule. He is one of the gracious, and classy Cardinal fans. You know the kind of fan that the hateful ones claim to be. There are always exceptions to the rules guys. I don’t want you all to think that I was generalizing all Cardinal fans, or lumping the bad ones in with the good ones. No lumping over here. There are good ones. Daniel Shoptaw is one of them. But the bad ones seem to outnumber the good ones by a large ratio these days.

Gross

As you know I wrote a couple of very controversial articles during the Dodgers/Cardinals NLDS this week, that inspired hundreds of angry hateful Cardinal fans to bombard our site with nasty comments. It was all in good fun. But fun is not a word in SOME of these Cardinal fan’s vocabulary.

So what’s a frustrated Dodger fan to do when his club just got their balls handed to them by these very same Cardinals? He makes fun of the fans of course, of course. The guys from SBnation decided to create the worst Cardinal writing they could conjure up. It’s truly a work of art. Some of those guys came up with some pearls.

Even Deadspin Deadspin got into the act too. So I thought, why not us? I mean the Cardinal fans take things so seriously, they’ll probably be in an uproar anyways. So might as well do it, and ruffle some feathers. After reading this hilarity, I felt like we have to get in on the shenanigans as well. It’ll be hard for me to top some of the terrific examples in these above articles, but I’ll give it a shot……

Camera fades to the St. Louis airport as a young marine holding a duffel bag hails down a taxi cab……

David, a proud US marine still in uniform picked up his bag as he opens the door to his taxi cab and gets in. Fresh from his recent tour, David could only think of one thing that could compare to the patriotic duty he just completed. The manifest destiny of the gladiators of Busch Stadium, struggled to spread the good word of Cardinals Baseball to the ignorant masses from Los Angeles.

The non-foreign cab driver turns around and asked in a hushed voice, “Where to Mr?” David sat up straight  and looked at the cab driver directly in his eyes and said in a firm tone…”Where do you think I’m headed?, the place where heroes shine in October”. The cab driver only nodded his head and turned around and put the taxi in drive and the two men began their journey. No acknowledgement was needed. The cab driver didn’t have to say anything. He knew there was only one place on Earth where heroes shined in October….Busch Stadium.

As the two men drove towards their destination, David grabbed the Baseball from his bag that he intended to give to his young son. He rubbed the baseball in his hands as he looked at the patriotic logo that reflected brightly in the St. Louis October moonlight. David tossed the ball in the air and caught it as the arch provided the perfect backdrop as he rode towards his red colored destiny. The emblem on the Baseball only said two words…..two words could personify all of the hopes and dreams of middle America. Those two words instilled pride in David that he had only known from serving his country. Those two words read simply…..CARDINALS BASEBALL.

As the cab pulled up towards Busch Stadium, David asked the driver how much he owed him for the fare. The cab driver put the cab in park and turned towards him and said…”nothing. Your service to our country is enough”. David shook the driver’s hands as he frankly told the driver the honest truth. “I’m not a hero sir, the men in there are the true heroes.” David could feel the pride welling up inside him as he pointed towards Busch Stadium. The cab driver could only nod in recognition as David and his Baseball gift stepped out of the cab and onto the hallowed grounds of Busch Stadium.

Before he went to meet his wife and son, David had to do one thing. He had to touch the statue of a true pioneer. He had to touch the statue of Stan Musial. He grabbed Musial’s butt and smiled.

Soon David met his wife and 6-year old son. David produced from his bag the Baseball and the Cardinal hat and he gave it to his son. David’s boy hugged him with glee and told him he loved him. “Daddy you’re a hero!” David could only laugh. He knew that he was no real hero. “Son, tonight we will see the true meaning of heroes”. David’s son smiled as they walked hand in hand into Busch Stadium to watch the Cardinals beat those glamorous Hollywood overpaid Angelinos. David felt sorry for those Dodgers, unable to see the true color of American pride….RED.

David held his son close as they marveled in the pure wonder of the miracle they were seeing before them. America’s heartland has been filled with unlikely warriors. General Patton. George Washington. Yadier Molina. Cardinals Baseball represents all that is holy and just. If Superman is to heroic acts, then Cardinals Baseball is to triumph. The Cardinals fight for justice, and respect.

As fatso Matt Adams blubbered around the bases, red fireworks filled the sky, and the arch stood proudly in respect. Once the Cardinals had beaten the Dodgers, and those hard working, middle class underdogs celebrated their unlikely victory, David and his son embraced.

After all, nobody expected these regular everymen to overcome the overwhelming odds to bring the long suffering Cardinal fans October magic. David lifted his son into the air as the celebration ensued around them. David and his family could feel the touch of god as they looked up to see the stealth fighters and the American flags soaring over Busch Stadium. They felt safe in the presence of these heroic men who played the game the way it was meant to be played. After all they weren’t just in the hands of god, but they were indeed in the hands of a Carpenter.

“I love you daddy!” David’s son said as he smiled at his father. “I love you too son, someday you may be playing on the same field as these men” David hugged his son, before kneeling into silent prayer, as every Cardinals fan joined hands and sung in a circle of peace and harmony.

As the nation rejoiced in the victories of America’s team, somewhere up in the broadcast booth a solemn tear of happiness streams down Joe Buck’s cheek……..FIN

Fade to a close up of an American flag……….

They wonder why everyone hates them. They can’t figure it out. They furl their brows and shrug their shoulders trying to understand why they are ridiculed and mocked across MLB. If they would realize it was the way they acted, and had nothing to do with the actual Cardinals baseball club, then maybe that epiphany would help them act like regular people again. But they just feed into it with their cluelessness.

So I can’t just let this opportunity go by without addressing the hundreds of bitter Cardinals fans that attacked our blog this week. I have to say something.

So I’ll go ahead and list the top ten reasons why SOME Cardinals fans are the worst fans in Baseball. Here they are in no particular order.

  1. They call themselves the best fans in Baseball

Just this title alone tells you how awful some of these Cardinal fans truly are. They title themselves as the best fans in baseball, and put themselves on a pedestal above everyone else. Can you imagine if Dodger fans did this? The Cardinal fans would all have a heart attack. Their brains would melt and their eyeballs would pop out of their heads. They would scream, and accuse us of all sorts of silly things. HOW DARE THOSE DODGER FANS SAY THAT! HOW DARE THEY DISRESPECT THE GAME!

  1. The holier than thou attitude

By calling themselves the best fans in Baseball, the Cardinal fans think their better than everyone else. That’s the problem. Their stuck up and Pious attitude. They think their crap don’t stink. They snub their noses at the other fan bases. Of course, because they cheer for their Cardinals the right way.

  1. The chips on their shoulders

Some of these Cardinal fans are certainly paranoid, thinking that everyone is out to get them. Oh those poor unfortunate Cardinal fans. How awful it must be for them to get to the World Series year after year. They must defend themselves because everyone is out to get them. Nobody is out to get you Cardinal fans, we’re just sick of your shtick!

  1. They can’t enjoy themselves

For a fan base of a team that wins every year, you would think they would just be genuinely happy about their club getting to the World Series every season. Nope. Instead they are angry. Extremely angry, because they must fight for honor, and sleigh the evil wrong doers who don’t play the game the way it was supposed to be played. Which brings me to my next point….

  1. What are the Cardinal fans so damn angry about all the time?

I mean you guys won! You win every year! Stop being so pissed off all the time. Just be happy with all of the success you guys get to experience every season. Stop brooding about nothing when your team is playing in their fourth consecutive NLCS. How do you think Cubs fans feel about all this?

  1. Joe Buck

Do I even need to explain this?

  1. Jack Buck telling us all to go crazy

I’m assuming he was talking to Cardinal fans and not Dodger fans. But I don’t want to be told to go crazy. I already am. No need to tell me to do something that I already am. That’s unproductive.

  1. The underdogs

Oh yeah, the poor unfortunate underdog Cardinals, defying the odds to finally have some October success. According to SOME Cardinal fans, they always have to beat some overwhelming obstacles to get into the playoffs. Like them having to beat the 27’ Yankees. They’re always portraying them as like they’re the 1988 Dodgers or something. Poor Cardinals, always being counted out and bet against. Root for the little guys. When will those damn pundits give the underdog Cardinals a fair shake?

  1. The statues

I know other clubs have statues of players too. The Padres have a statue of Tony Gwynn Sr. The Giants have their Willie Mays statue. I just think it’s kind of strange. I think the only man in baseball that deserves to have a statue built in his honor is Vin Scully.

10. The Cardinal Way

The Cardinal fans takes every opportunity to point out how their team plays the game the right way, and the other 29 clubs don’t have a clue. Because according to them, there is only one proper way to play Baseball, and they do it. Forget it other 29 teams. You may as well pack it in and go home. The Cardinals play Baseball the way it was meant to be played, don’t you know? Get with the program!

Cardinal fans will undoubtedly wonder why nobody will root for them if they make it to the World Series. Perhaps if they stop the we’re better than you act, then people outside of St. Louis wouldn’t want to see them lose all the time. I think the Giants will beat them though. Then we can all gloat how they won’t be going to the World Series this year, the way they gloat whenever they beat anyone. How about having some humility Cardinal fans?

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, one day your success will come to an end. Then you will have to deal with the agony of defeat and the ire of the rest of MLB…….You reap what you sow Cardinal fans, you reap what you sow.